User talk:LittleVixenGirl
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Yume Carnage Origins: Creeping In My Soul page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 14:31, May 26, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 14:35, May 26, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 14:39, May 26, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story I'm sorry but four minutes was all I needed to see the issues present in your story. There were so many capitalization, punctuation, wording, spelling, grammatical, and story errors present that your story failed to meet the bare minimum of quality standards for the site. Here are the most glaring instances (note that this isn't a comprehensive list as I would prefer not to spend too much time on one story when it's likely I'll have to analyze multiple in this same way before the day's done): Capitalization: You forget to capitalize "I" a number of times. "i do not", " i only own", "i mean would", "If it is i'm sorry diary.", "I leave scattered everywhere i go.", etc. You also forget to capitalize the start of multiple sentences. "story? feel free to leave a comment.", "this story is not for little kids", "note some of the entries of the diary are jumbled", "up. i mean would", etc. You also don't capitalize numerous proper nouns. "on demonology in austin (Austin) texas (Texas) at the university (University) of texas (Texas)." You also improperly capitalize words after dialogue. ""Whose there?!" He (he) yelled(,) holding his gun out.", ""Why officer, I did say I was going to make a cop into my art didn't I?" Came (came) a demented feminine voice", etc. Punctuation: Apostrophes missing/incorrectly used with possessive words and conjunctions. "The name(')s Yume", "where my parent's (parents) were", "That(')s when I saw it, blood.", "That(')s when I knew the girl wasn't breathing.", "the slit like pupil inside my iris's (irises)", "I mean I haven't had nutrient's", etc. Commas missing where needed. "Ha ha ha(,) for all I know it was yesterday!", "Ha ha ha(,) they try to find me every time and still they can't do it!", "Nah(,) I'll just kill them faster", etc. Spelling: There are multiple misspellings here. "My collage (college) wasn't to (too) far", "But the THING said to saluter (slaughter) them", "But in the end I'm pearced (pierced) with the overwhelming reality", "I'm sorry for turning into this moister (monster)", "before going back into the house to await the couriner. (coroner)" etc. Seriously there are at least a dozen instances here of misspellings that would have easily popped up in a word document as being incorrect. Wording: "I was suppose (supposed) to inherit", "The demon was just to (too) strong.", etc. It's=it is, its=possession. "into it's (its) madness.", ""Whose (Who's) there?!"", "he dropped it to the ground before loosing (losing) consciousness.", etc. I would suggest re-reading this aloud as there are a lot of times you improperly use words, forget to include words, and use grammatically incorrect versions of words. Story issues: First and foremost, the diary entries feel rushed as you try to jump right into the carnage (pun intended) rather than building up the character. Using a Ouija board is a bit of a twist, but it still opens up plot issues. If Yume is studying demonology, why exactly isn't she using this journal for keeping notes and researching whatever is possessing her and trying to exorcise it? Speaking of it being a journal, why is she stammering ("I-I can't hold on much longer, soon the madness will return.") and dramatically pausing? She's writing this, it's not a vocal thing where stammering would work to denote distress. Additionally due to the dozens of grade school English errors here, I don't believe Yume is a college student. Even if they were done for effect (which wouldn't explain why they're in the conclusion), it still doesn't really make sense. Why explicitly state the protagonist is in her twenties and is studying a pretty eclectic course in college, but doesn't know how to properly punctuation, capitalize, spell, etc.? Story issues cont.: How exactly is she killing all of these people successfully? For example, she gets the drop on a police office (apparently using chloroform, despite the fact that the effects take longer than a few seconds to knock someone out.) without alerting any other officer at the scene. It's important noting that police officers are partnered together so this seems very unlikely. This story feels like a vehicle for introducing your OC/CPC and really doesn't have an involving plot or introduce interesting characters. Yume has the most detail (being the OC), but even there, the audience really doesn't have any traits to latch onto to keep them focused. I'm sorry, but there is so much wrong here that I'm left wondering why you reuploaded it the second time without bothering to make any corrections and believe there is nothing wrong with your story when there is actually quite a lot. I hope you use these to correct your stories on DeviantArt as looking at it shows the same errors and inconsistencies. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:27, May 26, 2016 (UTC)